Not Feeling “Masculine”—Navigating TRT, Worthiness, and the Changing Landscape of Gender Roles

Content Warning: This narrative includes themes of body image issues, medical trauma, depression, hormonal treatment, and societal roles around masculinity and femininity, which may be distressing for some readers.

My experience with testosterone replacement therapy (TRT) and body image issues significantly shaped my sense of masculinity. Growing up with the knowledge that I would eventually lose my testicles gave me time to prepare mentally, yet the reality of the loss was jarring and entirely different than I expected. This experience coincided with the failure of my English school business, leading me into a difficult period of depression and self-doubt, leaving me with deep questions about masculinity, purpose, and self-worth.

Today, masculinity exists in a society where traditional roles and values have largely shifted. Where men once defined themselves through clear roles of leadership and protection, the landscape now encourages a blending of qualities, yet without a full roadmap for moving forward. This blurring leaves many men, myself included, searching for a sense of worth and validation in places that often feel out of alignment with who we are.

For me, the challenge was compounded by feelings of worthiness rooted in traditional masculinity. The internalized belief that a man’s worth is tied to his physicality and stoic strength impacted my self-perception, especially after surgery. Struggling with my physical limitations post-surgery, I found myself immersed in what I now recognize as toxic masculine beliefs—unrelenting self-reliance, emotional suppression, and the belief that my value depended on resilience without vulnerability. This toxic masculinity prevented me from seeking support, while my disconnected relationship with my body meant I also internalized a “wounded feminine” aspect of self, marked by low self-worth and an unconscious sense of shame around physical vulnerability.

These ideas made navigating TRT difficult. Without a clear idea of my needs, I found myself reliant on external medical validation, while internally grappling with beliefs about what it meant to be “man enough.” When I decided to stop TRT in 2018, I discovered that my liver required testosterone to function properly, forcing me to resume treatment. While I returned to physical balance, the emotional cost of feeling dependent on this treatment was profound. I had to confront feelings of inadequacy and learn to accept my body as it was rather than how society might idealize it.

This journey taught me the importance of inner balance, transcending the duality of “masculine” and “feminine” traits. Men today are asked to embody vulnerability and sensitivity, but without role models, this transition can be isolating. Realizing that worthiness comes from the self, and not from conformity to any gender role or physical expectation, has been transformative. In coaching, my goal is to create space for clients to explore this blend of qualities within themselves, helping them redefine self-worth beyond toxic masculinity or wounded femininity.

For me, this integration of masculine and feminine qualities fosters a fuller, more authentic self. True self-worth comes from embracing our inherent value rather than seeking it from external validation, societal roles, or physical attributes. This journey of healing and self-acceptance has led me to live in alignment with my values, respect my own limits, and honour my unique journey. Through coaching, I aim to help clients access this same inner balance, empowering them to experience a sense of fulfilment rooted in self-acceptance, self-awareness, and authentic worthiness.