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Breaking the Cycle of Self-Punishment and Embracing Growth

Updated: 4 days ago

Content Warning: This narrative includes themes of childhood trauma, failure, and self-punishment, which may be distressing for some readers.


Throughout my life, a recurring theme has been the comfort of failure and the discomfort of success. I spent years stuck in a cycle of self-blame, feeling undeserving of accomplishment, and carrying a sense of unworthiness that shaped every step I took. Reflecting on these experiences has helped me to better understand this pattern and, gradually, to overcome it. Here’s my journey through some of the pivotal points and the realizations that have helped me break free from these self-imposed limits.


Stuck in Excuses and Stories: Finding Comfort in Failure


From a young age, I internalized failure as an inevitability. Success became frightening, unfamiliar territory, while failure felt almost like home—a familiar narrative that offered predictability, even if it was painful. I often made excuses, holding onto stories of past failures that justified staying small. At the time, I couldn’t see that this pattern was keeping me from growing and experiencing fulfilment.


Early Influences and the Roots of Self-Punishment


Childhood Trauma: My earliest experiences of failure came with harsh consequences. Struggles in school, particularly with schoolwork and low grades, were met with punishment from my father. This domestic violence left a deep mark, teaching me to associate failure with punishment and success with the risk of more intense judgment. For years, I avoided success as a way to avoid further scrutiny or pain.

  • Overcoming It: Healing from these experiences has been a gradual process. Therapy and self-reflection have helped me reframe these memories, understanding that my worth is not defined by academic achievement or punishment. Journaling became an essential tool in this healing journey, allowing me to separate the person I am today from the experiences of my childhood. With time, I began to replace self-punishment with self-compassion, recognizing that past failures don’t define me.


High School Challenges and Feelings of Inadequacy


High School Struggles: High school was a period marked by academic struggles and more failures. I failed multiple classes, and advanced math courses were especially challenging. These setbacks reinforced my sense of inadequacy, making me feel as though I simply wasn’t cut out for success.

  • Overcoming It: Shifting my mindset required revisiting these failures with fresh eyes. I began to practice gratitude for the perseverance these experiences taught me and started to approach challenges with a learning mindset instead of a fear of failure. Embracing a mindset that “mistakes are part of learning” became a fundamental step in freeing myself from the weight of past failures.


Military Experience: Physical Limits and Emotional Toll


Military Setback: My journey in the military was another pivotal moment. Due to poor physical conditioning, I struggled to keep up, eventually sustaining an injury that forced me to step back. This experience compounded my sense of inadequacy, leading me to question my resilience and worth.

  • Overcoming It: Recovery taught me to value my body, recognizing that physical setbacks are not reflections of personal failure. I found healing through physical practices like yoga, which helped me reconnect with my body in a positive way. The process taught me to be patient with myself and accept that growth sometimes requires setbacks.


University: Feeling Disconnected from Accomplishments


University Disengagement: Completing my degree felt more like a checkbox than a significant accomplishment. I went through the motions but struggled to take pride in my achievements, feeling as though they weren’t “enough” to make up for earlier failures.

  • Overcoming It: Reframing my university experience was crucial. I started recognizing my degree as a testament to resilience, rather than perfection. This shift in perspective allowed me to see the value in completing what I’d started, even if it didn’t meet my high standards. Learning to celebrate even small victories helped me gain a more balanced view of my achievements.


Small Business in Omotesando: Learning Hard Lessons in Entrepreneurship


Small Business Closure: My English school in Omotesando failed, largely due to my misunderstanding of the market at the time. This experience hit hard, leading me to adopt a frugal lifestyle as a form of self-punishment, feeling as though I needed to “make up” for my misjudgment.

  • Overcoming It: I gradually realized that self-punishment was only adding to my distress. Embracing a growth mindset, I reframed this failure as a learning opportunity. Studying market trends and understanding what went wrong allowed me to approach future ventures with a clearer vision. I also committed to practising self-care rather than deprivation, understanding that my value wasn’t tied to a business’s success or failure.


My LLC (2013 - Present): Challenges in Timing and Alignment


Continuous Pivoting: Since 2013, running my LLC has been a journey of continuous pivoting. My ideas often felt ahead of their time, and I lacked the patience to wait for the market to align with my vision. This misalignment led to frustration and moments of doubt, reinforcing the feeling that I was “failing” by not meeting my own high expectations.

  • Overcoming It: Learning to trust my intuition without rushing results has been a gradual process. Practising patience and adjusting my approach to align with market demands taught me that timing is as important as innovation. Meditation and mindfulness exercises helped me cultivate this patience, reminding me to stay grounded and trust the process.


Breaking Free from the Cycle of Failure and Self-Punishment


Each of these experiences reinforced a belief that I was destined to fail, leading me to subconsciously expect and even welcome failure as a familiar outcome. Breaking free from this cycle required a conscious effort to challenge these beliefs and embrace success without fear. Here’s how I shifted from self-punishment to self-empowerment:


  1. Reframing Failure as Growth: I began to view failures not as reflections of my worth but as stepping stones for growth. Every setback became an opportunity to learn and build resilience. This shift allowed me to try new things with curiosity, knowing that “failing” is part of the process.

  2. Practising Self-Compassion: I worked on replacing self-punishment with self-compassion, reminding myself that I am worthy of success and happiness. Self-compassion exercises, like positive affirmations and self-reflective journaling, have been invaluable in nurturing a kinder relationship with myself.

  3. Celebrating Small Wins: I made a habit of celebrating small victories, whether it was completing a project or overcoming a minor setback. By acknowledging these moments, I slowly built a more positive self-image and learned to appreciate my efforts, regardless of the outcome.

  4. Creating Boundaries around Self-Criticism: I set intentional boundaries around self-criticism, limiting the time I spent dwelling on perceived shortcomings. This boundary has allowed me to refocus my energy on progress rather than punishment, helping me to prioritize growth over self-judgment.

  5. Learning from Others’ Journeys: Surrounding myself with individuals who faced setbacks but continued to strive forward has been inspiring. Learning from their experiences reminded me that failure is universal and not an indication of inadequacy. It helped me view my own journey with greater empathy and hope.


Moving Forward with Resilience and Purpose


Reflecting on these experiences has allowed me to redefine my relationship with success, failure, and self-worth. Embracing resilience and self-compassion, I now approach each new endeavour with a sense of purpose, knowing that growth is a journey, not a destination. By transforming my past patterns, I’ve found the strength to step forward with confidence, knowing that my worth is inherent and not determined by past experiences. In my coaching practice, I use these lessons to support others in breaking free from limiting narratives, empowering them to find fulfilment on their own terms.

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