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The Challenge of Boundaries: Navigating People-Pleasing and Self-Worth

Updated: 6 days ago

Root Cause: Fear of Abandonment and Inadequacy


My journey with boundaries, especially around people-pleasing, has been deeply shaped by a fear of not being “enough.” From a young age, I absorbed the idea that my value was based on how well I could meet others' expectations. This belief came from experiences where acceptance felt conditional—where I needed to fit into others’ definitions of what I “should” be, leaving me unsure of my worth.


Growing Up in a Conditional World


Growing up, I was in a world where love seemed to come as a reward for achievements or compliance. My father’s expectations were exacting, and any slip-up was met with harsh consequences. I recall trying to navigate his moods, striving to maintain peace and avoid upsetting him. This hypervigilance turned into a constant internal narrative that I had to do more or be more to be accepted. It left me feeling disconnected from my own needs and unsure of what true, unconditional support could look like.


The Shadow of Abandonment


The emotional distance in our family left me fearful that those close to me would one day just disappear. As a result, I often found myself hyper-attuned to signs that someone might pull away, and it became a defining force in my relationships. This fear of abandonment pushed me to put others’ needs ahead of my own, always seeking ways to prove my worth. Ironically, this approach sometimes created distance rather than closeness, leaving me isolated even while I was giving so much.


The Wall of Self-Protection


Experiencing vulnerability as a potential weakness led me to build walls around my emotions. It was safer to stay guarded, believing that opening up could invite criticism. This need for self-protection became my coping mechanism, and I avoided asking for support, even when I truly needed it. Instead, I focused on being “strong,” taking care of everyone else while keeping my own struggles hidden. Over time, this behaviour left me feeling unseen and disconnected from my genuine connection.


The Paradox of Success and Self-Sabotage


Even success became complicated. Achieving goals sometimes felt overwhelming, as if each new accomplishment only increased the pressure to meet higher expectations. With my father’s voice in the background, I started associating success with added burdens. This led me to sabotage opportunities that might bring me fulfilment, feeling paralyzed by the fear that success would only lead to more demands. This cycle of striving, achieving, and then avoiding set in, limiting my own growth.


People-Pleasing: How It Shows Up


For years, I found myself giving away my time, energy, and resources without clear boundaries. I’d say “yes” to commitments I didn’t want to make, just to avoid disappointing someone else. I felt it was my duty to make sure others were comfortable, often sacrificing my own needs to keep peace. This drained me, creating a disconnect from what truly mattered to me. In the early years of running my business, I even took on clients with demands I couldn't sustain, trying to "keep everyone happy" rather than valuing my own time and worth.


Why People-Pleasing Feels So Necessary


At its core, my people-pleasing behaviour came from a desire to avoid conflict and rejection. Growing up, conflict usually led to punishment, and I internalized the belief that harmony was worth any sacrifice. People-pleasing also became a means of seeking validation, filling a void where unconditional love should have been. In trying to be indispensable to others, I lost sight of my own needs, and the endless giving took a toll on my well-being.


How Trauma Shaped My Boundaries and Self-Worth


Without clear boundaries in childhood, I became vulnerable to absorbing others’ needs as my own. Growing up in an environment where emotional support was limited, I learned to measure my value by what I could offer others. As I grew older, this pattern of over-giving became more ingrained, often at the cost of my well-being and happiness. Relearning to set boundaries took years, but it has been essential in helping me feel grounded, balanced, and worthy.


Healing and Reclaiming My Sense of Self


The journey to understanding my boundaries has been a gradual process of reclaiming my identity and self-worth. I've come to see that boundaries don't push others away; they teach others how to respect us. People who react negatively to boundaries reveal their true intentions, making space for relationships that truly nurture us. In my coaching, I help clients recognize similar cycles and set boundaries that reflect their needs, fostering deeper respect for themselves.


Self-Compassion and Boundaries: A New Way Forward


Looking back, I can see that my over-giving was an attempt to protect myself and create harmony. Working through these patterns, I've learned that true connection comes from reciprocity and respect, not sacrifice. Setting healthy boundaries has allowed me to cultivate a sense of worth, reminding me that I don’t need to give endlessly to be valued. This self-compassion has been transformative, creating a foundation for relationships based on authenticity and mutual care.





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