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When Self-Judgment Becomes Self-Punishment: A Journey Through Trauma, Worthiness, and Finding Self-Compassion

Updated: 4 days ago

Content Warning: This article includes themes of trauma, self-punishment, self-worth, and social judgment.


As an INFJ—an introspective, empathetic personality known for its rare combination of idealism and deep-seated values—I’m driven to create positive change and understand others on a profound level. However, this personality type also brings challenges, like perfectionism and a tendency to self-criticize, particularly when striving to meet high personal standards. Navigating these traits has shaped my journey of self-compassion, worthiness, and resilience.

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Introduction


Throughout my life, a shadow of self-punishment has lingered, stemming from experiences I rarely shared openly. Growing up in an environment of control, aggression, and constant unpredictability, I developed a complex, often fraught relationship with worthiness. Punishment was woven into my early life, as a consequence of perceived inadequacies or failures. As an adult, without anyone left to punish me, I unconsciously took on that role myself.


Being an INFJ—a personality type known for its introspection, empathy, and high personal standards—added layers to this journey. For an INFJ, self-worth often feels tied to how well we serve others, maintain harmony, and live up to deeply held ideals. Acts of service are a love language of mine, combined with my past tendency toward over-giving and a lack of firm personal boundaries. When we fall short, that empathy and introspection can quickly spiral into self-judgment as if we’re somehow failing not only ourselves but those we care about.


What follows is an exploration of how trauma, introspection, and empathy intersect to create a cycle of self-judgment and self-punishment. I hope this story not only resonates but speaks to those who have similarly felt the weight of self-imposed judgments—particularly women and mothers, who often experience an additional layer of societal judgment that weighs down their every choice.


The Seeds of Self-Punishment


In my early years, I was immersed in an environment where punishment was swift and uncompromising. My father held tightly to traditional ideas of masculinity and authority, ruling with aggression and rigidity. Growing up under his roof, I learned that love was conditional, earned through meeting his expectations—expectations I often struggled to understand, let alone fulfil. The result was a sense of inadequacy, reinforced through both verbal and physical forms of punishment.


As a child, I didn’t have the tools to understand the complex dynamics at play. Instead, I learned to fear failure and to associate any mistake, no matter how small, with punishment. This became the lens through which I saw myself—a distorted view that would carry into adulthood, where my mistakes felt unforgivable, my successes insufficient, and my worth always in question.


Self-Punishment as a Response to Trauma


By the time I reached young adulthood, I had already experienced several painful moments that compounded this belief system. My first sexual experience was one marked by confusion and a lack of consent, leaving me with lingering questions about masculinity, control, and agency. This experience laid a foundation of self-doubt in intimate relationships, reinforcing the idea that my needs or boundaries weren’t worth respecting.


As an INFJ, I tended to dwell on these experiences, analyzing and re-analyzing them, trying to make sense of my place within them. I would replay these moments in my mind, dissecting each one as if finding the reason why would somehow alleviate the pain. But often, this introspection only reinforced the belief that I somehow deserved what had happened—that if I were only more confident, more assertive, or more “worthy,” things would have been different. This became an internal pattern: each time something went wrong, I felt responsible, and with no one else left to punish me, I punished myself. Part of that punishment was feeling the need to give more, to sacrifice more, to do or be more, to overcome feeling unworthy.


Worthiness and the Weight of Fatherhood


Becoming a father brought a profound sense of responsibility but also resurfaced wounds from my own upbringing. I was determined not to become my father—to break the cycle of control and violence. But along with this determination came relentless self-scrutiny. Every decision felt fraught with potential for failure, as though any mistake would prove I was unworthy of the title of father. There was no one to punish me for my perceived shortcomings, so I took on that role myself, mentally berating myself each time I felt I didn’t measure up.


Fatherhood brought forward new layers of unworthiness, especially as I observed the unique burdens mothers around me carried—ones I knew I’d never face as a father. Mothers, it seemed, lived under a microscope, judged not just by society but often by other mothers. Every choice—from parenting style to career to appearance—was subject to scrutiny. I saw how mothers could be shamed for the same decisions that would never provoke judgment for fathers, which deepened my empathy and my awareness of the unfair expectations placed on them. In my unique position as a “double” outsider, being both a man and a gaijin, I had the ability to observe the dynamics of the PTA groups without ever truly being a part of them or accepted by them.


As an INFJ, witnessing this judgment often left me grappling with a deep sense of empathy, feeling the weight of these unfair expectations almost as if they were my own. I saw reflections of my own self-punishment in the way many mothers seemed to carry guilt and self-judgment, feeling that nothing they did was quite enough.


Healing Through Self-Compassion and Conscious Reflection


It’s taken years to begin undoing the threads of self-punishment woven into my life. This journey has taught me that worthiness is not something earned through perfection, nor is it something that fades because of our mistakes. Worthiness is intrinsic, a part of who we are—not conditional on success or failure. If I am honest with myself, there are still situations where this does not fully resonate.


For years, I believed that if I punished myself enough, I could somehow prove I was worthy. But with time, I’ve come to see that self-compassion is a more powerful path to healing, one that honours our inherent value despite our mistakes. I’ve learned that self-punishment doesn’t make us stronger, nor does it make us more deserving of love or respect. It only deepens the wounds we’re trying to heal.


An Invitation to Question Self-Judgment


To those who, like me, have felt undeserving or have struggled with feelings of self-punishment, I invite you to reflect on the origins of those feelings. Perhaps, like me, you learned early on that mistakes meant punishment, or that love and worth were conditional. Maybe you, too, have felt judged, not just by society but by the harsh critic within, always ready to remind you of your perceived failures.


For mothers in particular, who face a unique layer of societal scrutiny, I hope my story resonates. As an INFJ, I’ve found that empathy can be both a gift and a burden—it allows us to understand others deeply but can also lead us to take on judgments that aren’t truly ours. My hope is that you can recognize the difference, letting go of the judgments that don’t serve you and embracing the empathy and compassion you naturally offer others.


Moving Forward: Cultivating Worthiness Without Judgment


The journey from self-punishment to self-compassion is a gradual one. It requires us to question the beliefs we’ve held for so long, to challenge the voices that say we’re not enough. For me, this process has meant reflecting on my childhood, my father’s expectations, and the trauma of early adulthood. It’s also meant learning to see myself through a kinder lens, one that recognizes my worth as a father, partner, and individual without the need for punishment.


As an INFJ, embracing self-compassion has allowed me to use empathy as a tool for healing rather than judgment. To mothers, fathers, and anyone carrying the weight of self-judgment, I share this story in the hopes that it brings you a step closer to releasing that burden. Our worthiness isn’t defined by perfection, nor is it erased by mistakes. We are inherently worthy, not because of what we do or how well we meet others’ expectations, but simply because of who we are. In this journey of healing, we all deserve to walk forward with compassion, with the understanding that self-punishment is not a measure of strength but a barrier to the love and acceptance we truly deserve.




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