Healing is not a straightforward path. It comes with moments of relief and empowerment but also challenges that often go overlooked: the triggers we unknowingly set off in others. Healing is a unique, often shifting process, where different tools and approaches resonate depending on the day and what feels accessible. Some days are about reflection, others about grounding, and sometimes, simply holding space for oneself is enough. One of the most difficult lessons I’ve learned on my journey is that healing and reclaiming my authentic self often disrupts the dynamics of relationships, sometimes in painful ways. Understanding and embracing this reality has been crucial to maintaining my progress, setting boundaries, and navigating through emotional minefields.
The First Realization: Healing Is Confrontational
When I began my deep inner work, I did not anticipate how my growth would ripple out to those around me. This dynamic journey brought unexpected challenges, especially in my relationships. I had become used to my patterns of people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, and over-giving. These behaviours, though exhausting, kept the peace and ensured that I was liked or, at the very least, not rejected. But as I stepped into a space of self-worth and boundary-setting, I found that some relationships were no longer as harmonious as they once seemed. I started saying “no” more often, expressing my needs, and standing firm in my beliefs. This shift triggered discomfort in people who had come to rely on my compliance.
The first pushback came from those who were not used to my boundaries—friends who were accustomed to me agreeing with their plans or family members who expected me to prioritize their needs over my own. Each time I upheld a boundary, I was met with reactions ranging from confusion to outright frustration. “You’ve changed,” they would say, often with a tone that implied it was not for the better. It was unsettling, but it was also a turning point in my healing. I realized that growth is not just about making peace with myself; it’s about maintaining that peace even when it disrupts the status quo.
Triggers in Others: Emotional Immaturity and Resistance
One of the most eye-opening aspects of this journey was recognizing how my healing triggered people who were emotionally immature or reliant on the dynamics I had previously enabled. Some invalidated my feelings, dismissing my new approach as “overthinking” or “too sensitive.” Others, who thrived on my low self-esteem, subtly tried to pull me back into old patterns by reinforcing doubts and fears. For instance, when I started speaking up more confidently at work, a colleague remarked, “You’re not the same person you used to be,” with a hint of disapproval. This statement initially made me question myself, but with time, I recognized it for what it was—a response to their own discomfort with change. I learned that their discomfort reflected their own readiness—or lack thereof—for growth, not a flaw in mine.
Navigating Through Guilt and Reassessing Relationships
Guilt was an inevitable companion during this period. I was conditioned to avoid upsetting others, even at the expense of my own well-being. Breaking free from that meant challenging the belief that I was responsible for maintaining everyone else’s comfort. Honouring my truth meant challenging years of conditioning that told me approval was more important than authenticity. Breaking that pattern was painful, but essential. The more I honoured my own needs, the clearer it became who supported my growth and who felt threatened by it. This led to some difficult decisions—distancing myself from relationships that thrived on my silence and compliance.
Letting go was perhaps the most painful part of this process, especially when it involved people I had known for years. But as I worked through my guilt, I reframed it: Was I really hurting others by honouring my truth, or were they uncomfortable because I was no longer conforming to their expectations? In most cases, it was the latter. And the reality is that those who benefit from your people-pleasing are often the ones most unsettled by your growth.
The Unexpected Power of Boundaries
As I grew more secure in setting and maintaining boundaries, I found that the quality of my relationships shifted. Setting boundaries became an act of self-respect and a statement of my evolving identity. Each boundary was a reminder that I was moving toward relationships that honoured mutual respect and understanding. Those who truly valued me began to adapt, showing respect and understanding. Others, who only stayed when I played a certain role, faded away. This was a blessing in disguise, allowing more space for connections that aligned with my values and who I was becoming.
One pivotal moment was with a close friend who had become accustomed to my over-accommodating nature. When I first started asserting myself, she pushed back, labelling me as “distant” or “selfish.” At first, this was disheartening. But over time, as I stood firm, she began to adjust. She learned to respect my boundaries, and our relationship evolved into one based on mutual understanding rather than silent expectation.
Embracing the Reality of Triggers and Growth
Healing is not just about self-reflection and inner peace; it’s also about making peace with the fact that growth can trigger others. It challenges people who are not used to seeing you strong, who dismiss your experiences, or who depend on your compliance to validate their own choices. It can be deeply unsettling to realize that your evolution threatens the comfort of others.
But amidst the upheaval, there is profound freedom. Each time I chose to honour my needs, speak my truth, or hold firm to my boundaries, I reclaimed a piece of myself that had been buried under years of self-neglect. Somatic awareness became a powerful tool during this journey, helping me recognize the impact of old patterns not only in my mind but in my body, as well. Tuning into the body allowed me to process emotions that surfaced and ground myself more fully in my truth. The discomfort—both mine and others—was a necessary price for the authenticity I gained.
To anyone on this journey, know that it is okay if your healing triggers others. It’s not your responsibility to carry their discomfort. True growth is not about ensuring everyone else stays comfortable; it’s about ensuring that you do not sacrifice your well-being and integrity for the sake of others’ approval. Surround yourself with those who uplift and support you, and let go of the rest with compassion and peace. Healing is a journey that not everyone is ready to join you on, and that’s okay. Each of us needs different tools at different times, and our paths will look different from those around us. Honour the journey, and embrace the freedom to choose what serves you in each moment.
In honouring my needs and boundaries, I’ve learned to trust myself more deeply, knowing that this journey—though imperfect—leads me toward a life of authenticity and self-respect. Healing is not about perfection but about finding the courage to choose myself in each moment.
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