Self-sabotage is a shadow that followed me for years, lurking behind moments of opportunity, connection, and progress. It crept in quietly, disrupting what could have been moments of growth and leaving me feeling trapped in a loop of frustration and doubt. But through years of reflection, therapy, and embodied practices, I came to see that self-sabotage wasn’t just an enemy—it was a messenger carrying valuable truths about my past, fears, and needs.
Recognizing the Patterns of Self-Sabotage
For much of my life, self-sabotage manifested subtly. It appeared in the form of choosing familiar yet toxic relationships, procrastinating on important projects, or dismissing opportunities that could advance my career. The hardest part was understanding why I pushed away what I wanted most. It was only when I was guided and supported to dig into my childhood experiences and the emotional environment that shaped me that I could trace the roots of these behaviours.
My childhood was marked by conditional love and constant criticism. Every report card and every minor misstep was met with anger and punishment. This environment planted seeds of fear: fear of failure, fear of judgment, and ultimately, fear of success. I internalized the belief that I was never enough. Fear of abandonment was also a huge motivating factor in my childhood that extended into my life, and I came to understand through coaching that it was the major reason I gravitated to environments that felt familiar but were also very toxic to me. The crippling self-criticism became the very force that paralyzed me, whispering that it was safer not to try than to risk falling short.
Over time, these beliefs hardened into patterns:
Avoiding Opportunities: The fear of failure led me to say “no” when I should have said “yes.” Whether it was a potential job, a collaboration, or a relationship, self-sabotage cloaked itself in excuses: “I’m not ready,” or “Someone else could do it better.”
Overthinking and Perfectionism: This need for everything to be flawless became a double-edged sword. It meant I rarely shared, posted, or completed the last 5% of projects, convinced they weren’t good enough to share.
Clinging to Familiar Pain: I realized that choosing toxic or unfulfilling situations was my unconscious way of staying in a comfort zone built on chaos and criticism—an echo of my early life.
The Cost of Self-Sabotage
The cost of these behaviours was significant. As a creative professional with over 15 years of experience, the internal battles often left me drained and uncertain. I struggled to accept praise, dismissing positive feedback as unearned. This mindset seeped into my personal life, making genuine new connections challenging and fueling a cycle of isolation.
One of the most painful realizations came when I saw how my self-sabotage affected my parenting. As an INFJ, I carried a deep sense of responsibility and empathy, but I also felt the weight of needing to be the perfect father, always engaged, never echoing the aggression I experienced as a child. Yet, in trying so hard to be “enough,” I would overextend myself, leading to emotional exhaustion and withdrawal—a form of self-sabotage that hurt both me and those I loved.
The Turning Point: Understanding and Healing
The change began with awareness—recognizing the stories I told myself. Journaling became a lifeline, allowing me to untangle the mess of thoughts and emotions that clouded my mind. It was during this time that I also began exploring somatic practices. The connection between body and mind became clear in moments like the bridge pose during yoga when tears would flow without explanation, or in the sessions with coaches where a somatic release left me feeling raw yet lighter.
Through somatic work, I found a way to communicate with my body, releasing memories and emotions stored within. This work didn’t just heal—it reconnected me with myself in ways I never expected. The body holds stories, and learning to listen to them became a pathway to understanding the origins of my self-sabotage. (Please read my article about this topic.)
Tools and Strategies for Overcoming Self-Sabotage
Over time, I developed a toolkit that I could draw from, adjusting based on what resonated most with me each day. These tools became essential in my journey to self-awareness. Here are practices, ranked by what has helped me the most:
Awareness and Acceptance: Begin by noticing when self-sabotage arises. Name the behaviour and, without judgment, ask yourself what fear or belief is driving it. This gentle awareness has been foundational in loosening self-sabotaging habits.
Journaling: Writing down my thoughts allows me to trace them back to the first time I remember feeling that way. Often, this process reveals formative experiences that shaped limiting beliefs, helping me uncover the roots of self-sabotaging patterns.
Somatic Exercises: Physical movement has been key in my own process of releasing self-sabotaging tendencies. Simple movements such as shaking out the body, practising deep diaphragmatic breathing, or holding grounding poses like child’s pose help release emotions stored in the body and bring a sense of calm and clarity.
Grounding Practices: Connecting with the present moment through grounding practices like deep breathing, walking barefoot on grass, or holding a grounding stone helps create stability and centre my energy, making it easier to choose actions aligned with my goals.
Mindful Reflection: Pausing before making decisions that feel influenced by fear or self-doubt has been invaluable. Asking, “Is this choice moving me closer to my goals or reinforcing an old pattern?” helps break cycles of self-sabotage by encouraging intentional, self-supportive choices.
Exploring Affirmations (Optional): Affirmations can be helpful but may not resonate with everyone. If they feel authentic, try gentle affirmations like, “I am worthy of success,” or “It is safe to be seen.” For me, affirmations are something I’m still learning to incorporate meaningfully over time.
Embracing the Ongoing Journey
Self-sabotage doesn’t disappear overnight. It resurfaces in moments of stress or when faced with new challenges. But each time, the awareness grows stronger, and the recovery time shortens. For me, learning to trust myself has been one of the greatest victories—understanding that I am not defined by past mistakes or the voices of my childhood but by how I choose to move forward.
Though self-sabotage still appears from time to time, I now see it as an invitation to grow, an opportunity to reclaim my journey on my own terms. I continue to make choices aligned with my true self, and each step forward strengthens my trust in my resilience and power. The process of overcoming self-sabotage has given me back pieces of my life that I didn’t even know were missing. It has allowed me to embrace imperfection, connect more deeply with my loved ones, and step into opportunities that align with my authentic self. And while the journey continues, each step forward is a testament to resilience, self-compassion, and the power of choosing growth over fear.
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