Growing up, I was immersed in an environment where traditional ideas of masculinity and femininity were skewed by toxic and wounded expressions. Reflecting on how these dynamics influenced my understanding of gender roles has helped me recognize the deep-seated confusion I developed around healthy masculinity and femininity, both in myself and in my relationships. My journey began with witnessing toxic masculinity in my father, a pattern of aggression, control, and emotional suppression. He rarely showed vulnerability, never communicated openly, and disregarded boundaries, setting a painful precedent of what it meant to be “strong.” I learned to fear traditional masculinity, seeing it as something harsh, unyielding, and potentially damaging.
As a teenager, my experiences with women who exhibited their own wounded masculine and feminine traits further compounded this confusion. Many of these women had endured trauma and were deeply affected by their own experiences, which often showed up as the following traits:
Normalizing Wounded Traits in Women
In the environment I grew up in, I began to internalize and normalize these behaviours in women, many of whom were attempting to protect themselves from further harm.
These traits included:
Manipulation: Often, emotions were subtly wielded as a form of control. For example, a simple request could be delivered with an undertone of guilt or shame, making me feel as if I was somehow letting them down. This left me feeling helpless, doubting my own judgment and questioning whether my feelings or instincts were valid.
Withholding: Validation, affection, or even basic support was often withheld unless certain conditions were met. I would find myself needing to “earn” approval by complying with their needs or standards. This experience ingrained the belief that love was conditional, something I had to work for rather than something naturally given.
Codependency: Many relationships I observed were based on dependency rather than mutual respect. The dynamics centred on filling an emotional void, often at the cost of personal boundaries. I grew up feeling responsible for managing others’ emotions, which fostered a belief that my worth was tied to how much I could support or “save” others.
Discipline and Control: Rigid expectations were set around behaviour, often accompanied by high levels of criticism if these expectations weren’t met. For example, any deviation from “acceptable” behaviour was met with harsh disapproval. This led me to feel as though I needed to meet others' standards continuously to avoid rejection, suppressing my own preferences and personality in the process.
Avoidance: Conflict was often avoided through passive means, such as silent treatment or simply withdrawing emotionally. Communication was withheld as a way to maintain control, creating an unstable environment where emotional needs were disregarded. This behaviour reinforced the idea that emotional vulnerability was a weakness, and expressing needs was an inconvenience.
Competitiveness and Instability: A constant undercurrent of competition permeated relationships, often veiled in comparison or subtle put-downs. This created an unpredictable atmosphere where I felt I had to “earn” stability by prioritizing others’ needs over my own. Instead of feeling supported, I was left questioning my place, as if my value was only as strong as my compliance with others' desires.
Redefining Masculine and Feminine Qualities
As I grew older, these toxic dynamics became my model for gender roles, leading me to associate many traditionally masculine qualities—like assertiveness, control, and decisiveness—with the women I encountered. Ironically, I found myself identifying more with femininity, as I equated masculinity with the traits I saw in my father: aggression, control, and emotional distance. This distorted my perception of healthy masculinity and femininity, leaving me unsure of how to embody balanced masculine energy within myself.
With little exposure to healthy masculine role models, I struggled to develop tools for expressing my own masculine energy in ways that were constructive and grounded. I found it difficult to take decisive action without fear of coming across as controlling or aggressive. In relationships, I often defaulted to roles I associated with “femininity”—receptivity, nurturing, and avoiding confrontation—leading me to neglect my boundaries and, ultimately, my self-worth.
Reclaiming Healthy Masculine and Feminine Energies
Learning to discern between toxic traits and healthy expressions has been essential in reclaiming an authentic sense of self. In this journey, I’ve come to understand that healthy masculine energy includes qualities such as strength, decisiveness, and protection, but without aggression or dominance. Healthy masculine traits are supportive and grounding, providing a structure that allows for safety and respect.
Likewise, healthy feminine energy, rather than being manipulative or emotionally dependent, is nurturing, compassionate, and intuitive. It allows space for self-expression and emotional authenticity without overextending or neglecting one’s own needs. Integrating these healthier qualities has transformed my relationships, helping me develop a sense of balance in giving and receiving, as well as setting boundaries that reflect my self-respect.
Practical Examples for Healing and Integration
For those navigating a similar journey, here are a few practices that have been invaluable:
Setting Boundaries as Self-Care: I now see boundaries not as a form of rejection but as essential self-care. For instance, in friendships or relationships where others expect constant availability, I’ve learned to say no and protect my energy. Boundaries communicate my needs and build mutual respect, something I was rarely taught growing up.
Developing Emotional Awareness: Journaling has helped me identify and release the emotional residue of my past. Writing down thoughts about past manipulative or controlling dynamics allows me to see where old patterns may still influence my decisions and emotions today. This self-awareness has been key to differentiating my own authentic reactions from ingrained responses.
Connecting with Healthy Role Models: Observing individuals who embody healthy masculine and feminine energy has been transformative. I actively seek out role models who practice open communication, vulnerability, and mutual respect. By surrounding myself with balanced figures, I’ve learned how to integrate these qualities within myself, helping me to redefine my sense of gender expression.
Embracing Self-Compassion: Releasing guilt and self-blame associated with past experiences has been a major part of my healing. Self-compassion reminds me that I don’t need to “earn” love or approval by meeting others’ standards. Practising this compassion allows me to explore assertiveness, boundary-setting, and emotional expression without fearing judgment or rejection.
Grounding Practices: I use grounding practices, such as breathwork or physical exercise, to connect with my masculine energy in a healthy way. These practices provide a sense of strength and stability that is rooted in self-awareness, not control. Grounding exercises remind me that assertiveness is not inherently aggressive; it’s simply a way of standing firm in my own space.
Supporting Others Through Coaching
In my coaching practice, I integrate these nuanced insights on gender dynamics, energy balance, and emotional boundaries. I support clients, particularly women, in developing healthier relationships with their own inner polarity. Whether someone struggles with self-worth, codependency, or boundary-setting, I bring these experiences to the table to guide them toward a more grounded sense of self.
Untangling these dynamics has been transformative, reminding me that masculinity and femininity are not restrictive roles but fluid energies we can harmonize within ourselves. Healthy masculinity provides a strong foundation for self-respect and boundary-setting, while healthy femininity fosters compassion, intuition, and emotional authenticity. This balanced approach has allowed me to heal old wounds and build relationships that honour both myself and those around me.
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