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Growing Up in Chaos: Navigating Instability, Loss, and Self-Reliance

Updated: 4 days ago

Content Warning: This story discusses themes of family instability, financial challenges, personal loss, and childhood responsibilities, which may be difficult for some readers.


Growing up, my life was marked by constant changes and a sense of instability. Moving frequently, experiencing the early loss of family members, and carrying responsibilities beyond my years taught me some tough lessons. This environment was chaotic, and as the child of a family affected by domestic violence, separation, and financial uncertainty, I developed survival skills to cope. These experiences shaped my values, my fears, and ultimately my understanding of self-reliance.


Early Years and Family Instability


My family moved several times in my early years. We first lived in Sault Ste. Marie, then relocated to St. Catharines, where I completed kindergarten before moving again. From Grade 1 to Grade 7, we stayed in one place on Marlene Drive, but the stability was temporary. Moving to different homes through Grades 8 and 9, I experienced what felt like an unending pattern of change. As a young child, I learned early that life was often unpredictable and that stability wasn’t guaranteed.

My first real taste of responsibility came when I started delivering advertisements at age seven. Earning my own money, even in small amounts, felt like an essential safety net. Later, when my parents divorced, I was only 13. My father’s absence and my mother’s decision to move in with her boyfriend during my first year of university added another layer of emotional complexity. Each experience reinforced the idea that nothing in life was permanent, and financial and emotional self-sufficiency became necessary to navigate an uncertain world.


Coping Techniques: Surviving in a Chaotic Environment

Growing up in this type of environment led me to develop coping mechanisms that many children of domestic violence (DV) or “children of chaos” often adopt to survive:


  1. Hyper-Independence: With instability as a constant companion, I learned to rely on myself early on. This “do-it-yourself” attitude became a core survival tool. From taking on small jobs like delivering advertisements to financially contributing wherever I could, I understood that I needed to be self-reliant. Hyper-independence, however, has a double edge; while it fosters resilience, it can make it hard to ask for help or feel comfortable in vulnerability.

    • Current Strategy: To balance hyper-independence, I actively practice asking for support, recognizing that vulnerability is not weakness. In adulthood, I am learning to allow others into my life without fear that dependence will somehow lead to disappointment.

  2. People-Pleasing: Children of chaotic homes often develop people-pleasing tendencies, hoping that by keeping everyone around them happy, they might maintain some stability. I remember trying to keep the peace and appease both of my parents, even though they were no longer together, always hoping it would create some sense of harmony.

    • Current Strategy: I now practice setting boundaries and communicating my needs openly, acknowledging that I am not responsible for others' emotions. This is still a challenge, but I’ve learned that people-pleasing sacrifices my well-being.

  3. Emotional Numbing: Frequent moves, financial struggles, and the loss of loved ones taught me to numb my feelings as a way to avoid pain. My grandmother's passing when I was young, and later, my parent’s divorce, made me feel that showing emotions would only add to my burden. Emotional numbing became my way to survive difficult times.

    • Current Strategy: Through therapy and mindfulness practices, I am learning to reconnect with my emotions, allowing myself to feel rather than avoid pain. Practices like journaling and meditation help me process emotions without the fear of being overwhelmed by them.

  4. Avoiding Attachment: With the constant moving and shifting family dynamics, forming attachments was difficult. I learned that getting too close to people or places often led to disappointment. This survival technique made it easier to let go, but it also left me with a deep-seated fear of intimacy and closeness.

    • Current Strategy: I am working on building healthy attachments, and learning to trust others slowly. Practising open communication and working through attachment issues has helped me form more stable relationships.

  5. Focusing on Achievement as Worth: Growing up in a financially insecure environment, I developed the belief that success was the only way to create stability. Focusing on education, job opportunities, and property ownership became an obsession, as I felt that financial independence was my only path to feeling safe. This drive for achievement made me feel as if my worth was measured by what I could accomplish.

    • Current Strategy: I am learning to separate my self-worth from my achievements. By finding value in qualities like resilience, kindness, and authenticity, I remind myself that I am worthy regardless of external success.


Life Lessons Learned and How They Shaped Me


These early experiences, while challenging, taught me resilience and self-reliance. The cycle of moving and adapting to new environments helped me understand that change is inevitable, but it also created an underlying sense of anxiety about the future. I came to believe that financial security was crucial for stability, and this belief drove me to work hard from a young age. Here are some specific lessons I learned:

  1. Education as Security: I grew up seeing education as the key to escaping financial insecurity. Watching my family struggle with money, I internalized the importance of building a stable career. I worked hard to complete my education, even though it felt like a checkbox at the time, as it represented a ticket to a better life.

  2. Understanding the Transience of Life: Early losses, like my grandmother’s passing and my parent's divorce, taught me that people and things could vanish unexpectedly. This realization instilled a sense of impermanence, making it hard to trust in long-term stability but motivating me to prepare for change.

  3. Money as Both Freedom and Fear: Financial instability created fear around money, but it also showed me the freedom it could provide. I learned to value money, saving and budgeting rigorously as a way to create a safety net. While this awareness was beneficial, it also led me to feel that financial security was my only defence against life’s unpredictability.

  4. Value of Property Ownership: Moving frequently and experiencing the impact of my parent's divorce taught me the importance of having a stable home. I grew up associating property ownership with security, and owning my own space became a primary goal.


Moving Forward: Creating Stability and Healing


Healing from these experiences has been a gradual journey of learning to trust, let go of control, and build inner stability. While the survival techniques I developed as a child kept me safe in a chaotic environment, they also created barriers to emotional intimacy and self-acceptance. Here are some practices that have supported my healing:


  1. Inner Child Work: Addressing the unmet needs of my younger self through inner child work has been profoundly healing. This practice involves connecting with the child within me, acknowledging the pain, and offering the reassurance I needed back then. By visualizing my younger self, I can provide comfort and assurance, rewriting the narrative that I was alone in my struggles.

  2. Mindfulness and Grounding Practices: Chaos often left me feeling ungrounded, and mindfulness practices have become essential in creating a sense of calm. Practising meditation, deep breathing, and even simple grounding techniques like walking barefoot outdoors help me reconnect with the present moment, reducing anxiety about the future.

  3. Building a Support System: Overcoming hyper-independence means allowing others to support me. I’ve learned to cultivate a support network, including friends, family, and mentors, who offer emotional and practical support. Developing trust in others has helped me learn that I don’t have to face every challenge alone.

  4. Financial Planning with Balance: While financial security remains important to me, I now approach money with a healthier mindset. I create financial plans that allow for stability without sacrificing joy. This shift helps me maintain security without falling into a scarcity mindset.

  5. Self-Compassion Practices: Replacing self-criticism with self-compassion has been essential in healing. Recognizing that I did the best I could with the tools available to me, I now approach myself with kindness and understanding. Regular self-compassion exercises, like journaling positive affirmations and celebrating small victories, help me cultivate self-acceptance.

  6. Therapeutic Support: Therapy has been invaluable in unravelling past experiences and releasing deeply held beliefs. Working with a therapist has helped me understand that the coping mechanisms I developed were necessary for survival but are no longer needed in my adult life. Therapy has guided me to healthier ways of coping and relating to myself and others.



Moving from Survival to Fulfillment

Reflecting on these childhood experiences, I realize how deeply they influenced my worldview and sense of self. While the survival mechanisms I developed helped me through tough times, I am learning to shed them as I move into a life of greater fulfilment and stability. Each step forward is a testament to resilience, healing, and a commitment to redefining my story. By building healthy relationships, developing self-worth, and creating a stable foundation, I’m gradually transitioning from a survival mentality to one rooted in trust, peace, and possibility.

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