The Roots of Body Shame and Lack of Body Positivity

Content Warning: This narrative discusses themes of body shame, bullying, and self-image, which may be distressing for some readers.

My journey with body shame began very early. As soon as I was able to stand, my father would initiate physical "games," which were often just thinly veiled forms of bullying and aggression. He constantly emphasized physical strength as a primary value, and I was left feeling inadequate for not meeting his expectations. From ages 2 to 13, these experiences weren’t just physically painful; they reinforced a perception of my own weakness that became deeply rooted.

When I entered high school, the focus of my body shame shifted. I struggled with my weight, and this became an open target for bullying from peers. My weight and larger size set me apart in a way that felt more like a deficiency than a distinction. I wasn’t part of the popular groups, didn’t have relationships, and felt painfully isolated. The perception I held of myself was coloured by repeated reminders from others that I was somehow “less than” because of my physical appearance.

In 1999, I joined the Royal Canadian Naval Reserve with hopes of finding strength and confidence. Although I was in better shape than ever, passing the physical requirements was barely achievable. An injury early on derailed my progress, and the extended rehabilitation period afterwards left me feeling once again like I’d fallen short.

The self-doubt persisted through university, where I did lose some weight but remained burdened by the negative self-image cultivated throughout my youth. I had not yet resolved the feelings of inadequacy instilled by years of bullying, both at home and in school. My lack of confidence, especially with women, only compounded these insecurities, as I continued to avoid romantic connections, feeling unworthy of being seen or valued for who I was.

Cultural Differences and Further Reinforcement

Living in Japan brought another layer to my experience. Here, my larger size was always noted. The term "dekai," meaning “big” or “huge,” became something I heard often, a constant reminder of my physical difference. While often not intended as an insult, these comments added to my already fragile self-image. In a culture that values smaller frames and, often, subtle expressions, I stood out in ways that felt uncomfortable and isolating.

How These Experiences Shaped My Self-Perception

This ongoing struggle with my body, from my childhood to my life in Japan, has left lasting effects. Each phase—from physical bullying and isolation in high school to the failed pursuit of strength and belonging in the Naval Reserve, to feeling like a physical anomaly in Japan—shaped my relationship with my body. These compounded experiences led to a deeply ingrained discomfort with my physical form, making it hard for me to see my body as something valuable or worthy of appreciation.

The lack of body positivity throughout my life has left scars that only began healing in recent years. Embracing self-acceptance remains a journey, but one that I now approach with an understanding of where these feelings originated, hoping to redefine my relationship with my body and my self-worth.