In my years of personal growth and deep introspection, one of the most profound realizations I have encountered is the understanding that beneath every behaviour lies a feeling, and beneath every feeling, there is an unmet need. This layered view of human behaviour wasn’t something I grasped immediately; it took years of unravelling my own reactions and questioning patterns I’d long accepted as “just how I am.” Each time I peeled back a layer, I found that what looked like a mistake or flaw was actually a message—a call to explore something unaddressed within me.
Recognizing My Patterns
One of the first behaviours I recognized was my pattern of over-giving and people-pleasing. For years, I’d find myself saying “yes” even when I felt stretched thin, somehow feeling responsible for everyone else’s comfort. Digging into this, I realized that beneath my impulse to please others was a fear of rejection, rooted in a need for acceptance and security. Learning to say “no” or to set boundaries triggered a lot of self-doubt initially, as I’d been trained to equate my value with being agreeable. This understanding required a shift toward self-trust—an ongoing practice of listening to myself in ways I’d never done before.
I remember one instance where I had agreed to take on an extra project at work, despite already being overloaded. As I sat with the overwhelming anxiety that followed, I asked myself why I had said “yes” when every part of me wanted to say “no.” The answer was unsettling: I feared appearing incapable or weak, afraid my colleagues would see me as less committed. Beneath that fear was an unmet need for validation and acknowledgement, a feeling of wanting to be seen as capable and valued.
Uncovering Self-Sabotage and Reclaiming Worth
Another realization came when I noticed a pattern of self-sabotage whenever I got close to achieving a personal goal. I would start strong, but then I’d hesitate, overthink, and eventually pull back. This baffling behaviour wasn’t random—it was a response to a deeper feeling of unworthiness, a hidden need for reassurance that I was “enough” regardless of my achievements. This understanding of self-sabotage pointed me toward the deeper work I needed to do, rather than treating it as just another flaw to overcome.
The Origins of My Patterns
Growing up in an environment where vulnerability was met with criticism or ignored, I quickly learned to mask my emotions. From a young age, I absorbed the unspoken rule that expressing my feelings would only lead to more pain. Every report card and every minor misstep was met with anger and punishment, often disproportionate to whatever mistake I had made. The stakes felt incredibly high over things as small as a missed homework assignment or a note from a teacher.
As a result, I learned to avoid being seen, and to make myself small and compliant in order to avoid triggering conflict. This vigilance was exhausting, but it was what felt safe at the time. Over the years, the habit of suppressing my true feelings took root, reinforced by both external expectations and the beliefs I’d formed about myself.
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